Say goodbye, No hello
Saturday, February 11, 2012
When I have to say goodbye, it would be when I won't have to say hello again.
Coz when I bury things of painful memories, I don't want to dig it up again, I might dig too much, I'd fall to my graveyard. I hate that, going through a process of digging and getting your hands off some dirt.
It easy for me to forget things that should be remembered but I bet my whole life, it's not difficult to reminisce events and people in my life that have caused extreme inexplicable emotions. I don't just forget how I felt happy, angry, lonely, high, depressed.
It's easier to smile when you wanted to scream, cry, stay silent but the whole picture would stir people's mind and start to ask me, "What's wrong?" so I feign one grin to avoid a long haul of going through the whole process of explaining why I feel so down. I hate long talks. I don't want to open up. I don't want people to notice that I'm weak too so I build up walls to create distance. To avoid emotional attachment to classmates, org mates, workmates, neighbors, vacation acquaintances, relatives.
So I write. It's my form of release and relief. I feel a little lighter when I see words typed on my screen. It's kind of like having a great conversation with a long time friend minus the whole drama (you get the picture). It feels like shouting out to the world without causing a scene. I love ice cream, it's my legal way to get temporary high; to at least let go of the baggage I'm carrying inside my chest. I am not good at handling emotions, I just pretend to act like one but people don't notice. I love that they see one girl with a strong facade, worry free and stress free. I am not invincible but I try to numb this heart through extreme coldness and forgetting things, events, persons.
So now I want to relearn this whole process. My technique just doesn't work. All these pretense have caused ghost of the past to reappear and it keeps me weaker each time. The fears come back and I'm like a kid who wants to just run away and escape, shut down everything and not really face the real issue. I don't accept failure and disappointment. So I can't move on easily.
I realized an awful lesson: The more afraid I am to lose people I love and the more I want to keep them close; the more I create a distance and chance of losing them completely.
So today, I have to save myself and keep me from going insane. I have to accept whatever flaws I have and start to acknowledge my weaknesses and go from there. So I can move on and let go of the painful past and be happy with the present and to live a life full of love and happy thoughts and no more worries.
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