I need an ice cream :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
(The desire for freedom)
The hypocrisy would soon be over.
I was an above average student and without doubt, I knew I got my nurse license like a piece of cake. I had all the right and privilege to practice my learnt and earned profession in every way to serve my fellowmen.
Over a year ago, I was desperately trying to find my true calling. I went on lots of vacations, out of town, to the beach, to the hillside, with family, with friends, with acquaintances. I had to enjoy my well deserved break after making it through formal education, and what many would have dubbed as pursuit to treasure that no one could ever borrow, a treasure that can’t be taken away from me. After I satisfied myself of leisure time, my inner self was having a guilt feeling and it told me that now that I am of legal age and have acquired appropriate tools to take on the world – I need to grasp responsibility and take advantage of whatever opportunity that came my way.
I wrote a few application letters addressed to every hospital heads I knew of, searching for employment despite the very tough competition. I must say, knowing the right people comes a long way and of course I had to have the right credentials to back me up and I never failed anyone nor would I shame anyone who helped me make the hunt easier. And so I hurdled through the process. I was glad that I need not pay for the training I was undergoing, but I’d rather be hired if I’d be good enough and ready for the job, skills wise. Then I took on the challenge, despite the fact that it was never really part of my dream to work in a hospital, but still, I’m a nurse, no one could blame me. Two months and all they could offer me that time was the understaffed pulmonary department, being such a novice and a woman of a few words (cursed that day), I said yes to the opportunity of working for the hospital as pulmonary staff. It hurt my ego – a lot. (At the back of my mind, I thought, man, you’re insulting me, I had the best intentions and every right to work as a nurse and that was what I applied for!. I shouldn’t be underemployed. I was a bright student way back!) But they offered me another thing, maybe they saw that I was half-hearted with their proposal, they told me I could act as a reliever in case the ICU would ever need a support staff. I took it (full of regrets now); for I thought of the people I loved.
There would never be anything I’d do to hurt the people I love. I knew that this was what they’ve always wanted me to do, to achieve, for they have already planned my future. Yes, they have always known that nursing was never my first love or a part of my dream and they would tell me “Try to love it Wowo, you’ll learn to love it”. I listened, I prayed, I tried my best to love it, even as a student, I struggled to ever love it. I have my own dreams, maybe not as extravagant as the best dreams they have for me, but I knew what I wanted and I knew what would make me happy. I knew but I kept it inside me. That way, I thought, it would be easier for everyone if I do things their way. They’d be happy and I’d love to see my family and all my loved ones happy. And burying my dreams deep down, deep inside me like I could forget what I ever dreamed of would spare me of any remorse. I would feel less selfish because I thought of them first. I’d feel responsible and grown up because I listened and followed their advice and I would not be a financial liability to the family. I’d be my family’s asset. They would be proud of me. I’d love that.
The first few weeks, I had to wear a façade that everything’s fine. I faked every remark I made that “It is okay. I love this job.” I was disgusted with myself for having done that, a lot of times. I was never a fake person, I did everything with sincerity but this one, I just had to let people know I can make through this. I was a newbie and I had to boast my skills to my advantage. And oh yes, how I tried my best not to be emotionally attached to anyone. (I’m not here to make friends. I just have to work here.) Other employees took a pity of me, some of them were harsh enough to make fun of me, for being underemployed, for not working as a real nurse. To those who have belittled me, check my credentials, know me as a real person, you had no right to step on my dignity. (You know who you are. You’re not gonna find a partner with that kind of attitude, dude.) The weeks turned to a month, then two then lots of months and I felt tired. I have always believed the saying “Find a job that you love and you never have to work at all.” And so I despised whatever job I had and so I felt exhausted. I had to blame myself, I allowed people to do such things to me. I worked lots of overtime; I thought sometime maybe I had been a slave in this line of work. People would always try to use me, because I’m new, because I’m a nurse because they thought it never hurt. Many times I cried myself to sleep because I pitied myself too much for doing such a big show of pretense. I already missed lots of family gatherings, a chance to have a movie date with my boyfriend, get-together with my long time friends and to begin a social life with my colleagues.
For the longest time, I approached the appropriate people to inform them of my utmost desire to work as a real nurse, I had to, I just can’t bear the thought of being underemployed, to see my future certificate of employment as a pulmonary staff. I mean, every effort I was doing would soon be wasted. I wouldn’t grow here professionally. I’ve got bigger dreams and I know I could become a better version of myself. And after feeling that people were stepping on my professional dignity and after they hurt my ego and after being so emotionally drained of the hypocrisy, I practiced a million time how to nail the “big ask”. I am a strong woman, deep down inside me, there’s a strong Wowo – someone who won’t allow anyone to put her down in any way.
No one had to be a martyr. No one else had to suffer. It would take a lot of courage to follow our own dreams. There’s no more need to worry about our families and loved ones to misunderstand us. We might hurt them in our pursuit to follow our heart’s desire but with love, and their own love for us, they would be able to see us in our sincerest moments. They would be walking with us in our journey, every step of the way.
Each of us has different view of happiness, of success, of life. No matter how we try to follow our hearts, I hope and I am positive that there would be no one we step upon, no one would be aggravated and we learn to respect and understand each other. For we can all be our best selves. :)
2 comments
Nice story go go go... girl.
ReplyDeletegeee, thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteYou also have something to say. :) Please drop your comment here :)